“I regret helping my child/friend/parent find treatment from addiction.”

– No one ever

Families and friends of those with a substance use disorder quietly ask themselves daily, how long they can continue to love and support a person with substance use issues. Coming from that camp, I can say it’s a difficult thought for several reasons. The person is likely relying on you financially, emotionally or both, and by taking that support away from someone you love, it hurts you and those around you. You also likely have non-addicted friends and family members who are being hurt by the person (just as you are), and you aren’t in a rush for another fight, blow-up or depressive episode. We get it.

The fact that you are struggling with giving up on someone with a substance use disorder means that you are in a unique position, and have the power to help them. That power comes from the love you have for the person. Because you love them, you can move the mountains your loved-one needs to heal and recover, instead of continuing to move mountains to make them comfortable in addiction.

That doesn’t mean you are stuck enabling your loved one through the rest of their addiction. You essentially learn how to make the changes to start supporting your loved one in their recovery instead of their addiction. First, let’s explore the concept of “enabling” and how to recognize it.

Enabling is not really a bad word, but enabling an addiction can be a hard thing to come to terms with. You will often find yourself fighting with other family members or those around you, often on the side of the loved one – they need your help the most!. Enabling is just the unhealthy side of the love you feel for the loved one. Let’s explore some signs of enabling, in an effort to identify issues that you have control over – and can therefore change!

Signs of “Enabling” include:

• Protecting a Loved One from the Consequences of Addiction

If you are paying rent, bills or debt, or bailing your loved one out of jail, or lying to protect someone, you are protecting them from valuable consequences, and therefore standing in the way of recovery. Don’t lie to yourself. Paying for things means that there is much more money available for drugs or alcohol.

• Keeping Secrets about Your Loved One’s Addiction

Secrets and silence about a loved ones’ addiction or consequences of that addiction (debt, DUI, violence) signal enabling behavior. You keeping secrets helps no one. Start speaking your truth. Consider attending Al-Anon or another support group where everyone shares similar experiences and everything is kept confidential. I did.

• Unable to set Boundaries and Expectations

When you can’t maintain healthy boundaries with your loved one, as when a family member continuously searches your room for money after they’ve been asked to keep out, you are enabling by letting it continue with no consequences. In addition, if your loved one can’t live up to basic expectations like cleanliness, bills or standards of behavior, you must enforce those expectations to help your loved one heal.

• Making Excuses for Behavior

If you explain away all your loved ones’ bad behavior or drug and alcohol use as victimization, stress or totally normal behavior, you are enabling. External circumstances like being fired, getting divorced or suffering an injury may be the vehicle through which your loved one found addiction, but it is often not even close to the underlying cause of the issues.

• Avoiding the Topic or Your Loved One

If your loved one causes you pain, either hurting you, those around you or themselves, and you simply don’t discuss it – that’s a red flag of enabling. These discussions are often stressful, frightening and confusing – but you must have them if you want to help your loved one overcome addiction.

How to Set Boundaries with an Addicted Loved One

If you’ve reached a breaking point with someones’ addiction, it’s time to contact a substance abuse therapist or mental health professional for help with the next steps. They will educate you on healthy ways to protect yourself and encourage your loved one to seek help for their addiction. A few of the things a professional can teach you include:

• How to clearly communicate your expectations about alcohol and drug use
• How to clearly communicate predetermined consequences of relapse or bad behavior
• How to follow through on all expectations and consequences.

I am not a group-joiner and I like to keep my struggles to myself. I felt embarrassed that I was considering giving up on my family member. Al-Anon helped me prioritize myself and alleviated the guilt I was feeling. First and foremost, Al-Anon helped me see that I was not alone. Secondly, you will find that many of the attendees have the same stories that you do…sometimes harder stories. You can attend a meeting and stay silent. We’d advise going and at least listening, because not pushing boundaries is part of the rules of the group.

Never Give Up on Recovery from Addiction | Mountain Vista Recovery

Protecting your addicted loved one from consequences is one of the best ways to ensure that they STAY addicted. While it’s easy to focus on the person with the addiction as the source for all your issues, by enabling them, you are a barrier to recovery. The easiest way to get your loved one into treatment, or interested in recovery, is to make the addiction as uncomfortable as possible.

This does not mean you want to hurt the victim of addiction. You do not. You are starving the addiction of comfort, safety and acceptability. You are showing love by creating a safe place for them to heal. Also, it’s fair to ask, if they are going to commit to the work of recovery, the least you can do for someone you love is work to heal your own trauma. For help finding sobriety or recovery for your son, daughter, parent or friend, reach out to Mountain Vista Recovery today.